It was the ancient Greeks who urged us to “Above all, know thyself.” Their assumption was that through introspection and courage a man can thoroughly understand who he is and what his life is meant to be. It is a hope that has launched millions on the journey to self-discovery but I suggest this journey always ends in disappointment and failure.

The truth is that man cannot know himself completely. This is because he is not equipped with the ability to search his own soul free of bias and illusion. He knows himself only in bits and pieces and tends to reorganize the little he knows into a case for what he hopes he is—the image of himself he carries in his mind. He does not see clearly, cannot know entirely. This is just as true when it comes to a man knowing himself physically. A man cannot even know what he looks like without help and even then we are constantly shocked by how we look in photographs or how people describe us.

This reminds me of the existentialist play in which the characters only know what they look like from their reflection on the eyeballs of others. It also reminds me of the Chinese proverb which says that “A person is not a person without persons.”

I have made the mistake of attempting to know myself and then defining myself accordingly. It has ended in failure. Not until I had a band of unsparing brothers who loved me, weren’t intimidated by me and had no agenda except that I full my purpose did I begin to know who I really was. Then I became a better man, husband, father—even a better Christian.

The fact is that a man who is self-defined is a fool. We need the feedback of others to know who we truly are. We need the humility of assuming we cannot see ourselves for who we are alone. Then, when we see ourselves through the unvarnished feedback of those who know us best, we can be who we really are, and live out the implications of the truth. We will then not only understand who we truly are, but we will understand that we can never live out our true purpose alone. We are made for community, team, belonging, a band of brothers. Only the man defined by truth in the eyes of others genuinely understands this. The self-defined man will always be a world unto himself--and will always be lonely as a result.